Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
