the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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