The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
