I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
