whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I will be naked everywhere
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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