Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
