My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Drunk is not a location!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
