dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
no you cant smoke seaweed
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
