Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize