I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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