If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
