RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
