i jhust puked up my retainher.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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