i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Ladies don't puke and tell
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
