you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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