You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
