lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
