I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you win again, gameday.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
