My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
