After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
