If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize