he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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