Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The power of my boobs compel you
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
