My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
