Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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