the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
