My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
