If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
