I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
