I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
