you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
