Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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