She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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