You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
