Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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