There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
