He kissed a someone with a penis
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
