Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize