Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
