You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
