I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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