I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
