I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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