i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
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