awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize