Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
