My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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