I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
