I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
