look no pants
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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