Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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