Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize