Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
