There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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