I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
