i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Success! We fucked roommates!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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