Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
