Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think your dad took our porno
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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