I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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