also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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