I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
