remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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