if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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