Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
