i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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